Live for the audience of One.

Late-night thoughts that fill me with skepticism, doubt, and all those other unpleasantries. And as much as they fill me, they leave me feeling emptier than ever.

Press on

Robin Williams didn’t die from suicide. I only just heard the sad, sad news of Robin Williams’s death. My wife sent me a message to tell me he had died, and, when I asked her what he died from, she told me something that nobody in the news seems to be talking about.

When people die from cancer, their cause of death can be various horrible things – seizure, stroke, pneumonia – and when someone dies after battling cancer, and people ask “How did they die?”, you never hear anyone say “pulmonary embolism”, the answer is always “cancer”. A Pulmonary Embolism can be the final cause of death with some cancers, but when a friend of mine died from cancer, he died from cancer. That was it. And when I asked my wife what Robin Williams died from, she, very wisely, replied “Depression”.

The word “suicide” gives many people the impression that “it was his own decision,” or “he chose to die, whereas most people with cancer fight to live.” And, because Depression is still such a misunderstood condition, you can hardly blame people for not really understanding. Just a quick search on Twitter will show how many people have little sympathy for those who commit suicide…

But, just as a Pulmonary Embolism is a fatal symptom of cancer, suicide is a fatal symptom of Depression. Depression is an illness, not a choice of lifestyle. You can’t just “cheer up” with depression, just as you can’t choose not to have cancer. When someone commits suicide as a result of Depression, they die from Depression – an illness that kills millions each year. It is hard to know exactly how many people actually die from Depression each year because the figures and statistics only seem to show how many people die from “suicide” each year (and you don’t necessarily have to suffer Depression to commit suicide, it’s usually just implied). But considering that one person commits suicide every 14 minutes in the US alone, we clearly need to do more to battle this illness, and the stigmas that continue to surround it. Perhaps Depression might lose some its “it was his own fault” stigma, if we start focussing on the illness, rather than the symptom. Robin Williams didn’t die from suicide. He died from Depression*. It wasn’t his choice to suffer that.

Tom Clempsom  (via emomoz)

It’s Monday. I’m going home at 6pm and a middle aged man and a teenage boy are the only people left on the bus with me. I consider the fact that because the driver is also a man I am the only person left on the bus with the correct genetic makeup for boobs. I’m automatically scared, scared because of my own anatomy. I wonder how old I was when I realized that my own body was going to be the cause of the constant anxiety and fear I feel in situations like this. I get off at the last stop and the older man smiles at me while following me up the street. His smile drips, drips, drips and my heart is pounding, pounding, pounding. He turns off down another road, but I run the rest of the way home.

Not all men.

I’m at home on a Tuesday, beginning to plan the travels I want to go on next year. I dream of wandering the streets and meeting strangers. I just can’t wait to escape the city I’ve lived in for 17 long years. But… my mum is hesitant. She’s forever worried about the danger that being a young girl traveling alone can bring. I’ll be alone and she’s scared. Surely I’m invincible. I feel invincible. But I know, I know this danger is real and I can’t help but think to myself, if I feel unsafe in my own city, how am i going to feel in a strange place with strange men who don’t speak the same language as me? If I was my brother planning this, I would probably just be wondering if European girls are going to be hot.

Not all men.

Wednesday is a beautiful sunny day but I’ve always been told that I don’t have a “nice enough body” to wear a bikini on the beach. Ever since I was 6 years old I’ve thought that having tummy fat was ugly. That skin that doesn’t have a perfectly golden glow is undesirable. I amble to a clear patch of sand in my one piece and I can feel pairs of eyes latching onto me. Hairy men in speedos who I don’t look twice at eat into my body with their stares. I’m a piece of meat. I am a piece of meat? I am here for their amusement. Please don’t let me be eaten alive.

Not all men.

Thursday night two friends and I are walking to our god damn school dance when we hear “Jesus look at you! You sluts heading to a pole?” These words snarl out of the mouth of a respectably dressed man and we stop in horror. Shivers roll up my back in fear. It’s dark. We are alone. What. Do. We. Do??? One of us pulls the finger back. I can never be sure how quickly a sexist man can get angry so we walk quickly away. We’re angry, so so angry. But also so… deflated. I wonder if we deserve this shame.

Not all men.

Sitting on the internet, Friday night and scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed:

“Haha, good job at the game today bro. You RAPED them!”
“Damn with tits like that, you’re asking for it :P”

Another sexist comment…
Another sexist comment…
Another sexist comment…

I’m shrinking and shrinking and shrinking and I want to CRY because these boys don’t realize how small they make me feel with just pressing a few keys. I see these boys on the streets, I talk to these boys, I laugh with these boys. Dear GOD, dear GOD i hope these boys don’t think actions speak louder than words…

Not all men.

Three rules that have been drilled into me since I was young run through my mind at 1.30am on a Satur… Sunday Morning:

-Don’t ever talk to strange men
-Don’t ever be alone at night in a strange place
-Don’t ever get into a car with a stranger

I break all 3 of these laws as I pull open the taxi door. Making light conversation with the driver, he doesn’t see my sweaty hand clutching the small pocket knife I keep hidden on me at all times. He doesn’t even realize the fear I feel at his mere presence. He cannot comprehend it, he never will. How easy would this 15 minute car ride be if I was born a boy?

Not all men.

It comes to Sunday, another snoozy, sleepy, Sunday and someone has the AUDACITY to tell me not all men are rapists. I say nothing.

I’m a 17 year old girl.
When I am walking alone and it’s dark, it’s all men.
When I am in a car with a man I don’t know well, it’s all men.
When men drunkenly leer at me on the streets, it’s all men.
When a boy won’t leave me alone at a party, it’s all men.

Not all men are rapists. But for a young girl like me? Every one of them has the potential to be.

Not.
All.
Men.

(via nonjazzscatcat)

this is amazing

(via silverindies)

There’s no grace where I’m going

You know, the Bible doesn’t teach us to be defensive in relationships. It doesn’t tell us to protect your heart and be extra cautious ‘cause you don’t know who’s going to betray you, who’s going to leave you, no it doesn’t say anything like that, it just says love. And it says love always trusts. And it always tells us to forgive; forgive means they’re going to wrong you first and then you’re gonna forgive. And then go back up and trust again. That’s what the Bible says about our relationships. It never says, ‘No, close your heart ‘cause you’re going to get hurt. Be protective. Protect your own heart.’ No, it never says that. It says, ’Get hurt, I will heal you, I’ll restore things, reconciliation is for you, and then get back up and love again. Trust again. Go belong to that group again.’ That’s how the word of God teaches us.
Myunghwa Choi, ”Loneliness Unmasked” (via desiregodfirst)

A co-worker closed the door to the staff room behind him.
It locked automatically and I started planning what I could use as a weapon: smash the glass beside the fridge into his eye, pick up the fork next to me and sink it into his leg, claw him across the face if I couldn’t get to anything in time. As I calculated how hard it would be to shove his body weight off of me, he finished making his lunch, said, “Sup,” and left, the door automatically locking behind him. I expect if I told him I was prepared to stab him with the corner of my staff ID if I had to, he would say what I’ve heard too often, the one we all know but are getting wearily suspicious of: Not all men are like That.

When I was eleven, all the girls in my class got sent to self-defense because they assumed we’d need it one day.
When I was twelve, there was a prostitute’s body dumped in the river next to my house because someone thought she was disposable.
When I was thirteen, it happened again and this time the man went to jailand people stood outside the courtroom and held up signs that he did the right thing.
When I was fourteen, my friend showed up to a sleepover late, chest heaving from sobbing and from running four blocks after getting chased by a man that followed her off the bus.
When I was fifteen, my mother accused me of being a Man Hater and I said, “No, but god, would you blame me if I was?”

I got catcalled and then got laughed at when I flipped them off. They pulled up beside me and I clutched my bag tighter, my hand going in for my keys and my mind going over how their noses would look if I smashed them in with my elbow. “What’s the big deal,” the guy at the steering wheel asked. “We’re just complimenting you. We’re not like That.”

Sorry, but I’m not going to trust you in case I end up on a poster labelled ‘MISSING.’ Even if you seem like the nicest guy, I’ll still have one hand holding my keys as the only knife I’m allowed, because I don’t know how far you’re going to take it: if you won’t back off when I tell you I don’t want to date you if you’ll shout BITCH at me when I don’t respond well to your catcall if you’ll expect my body as a reward for treating me like a human being if you’ll try to take what you think you’re owed by being a man if you’ll turn me into another statistic that people shudder away from.

I have been trained to assume that it’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing or face the consequences. I don’t know if you’ll nod when I reject you or pump me full of bullets.

Every single woman I’ve talked to has a story where they haven’t felt safe in their own body because of what a man said or did.

Not all men are like That, but god, it’s enough.

'Welcome to Girlhood: None Of Us Are Safe,

True (via plainandsimplejeanine)

very real (via living-captivated)

"Every single woman I’ve talked to has a story where they haven’t felt safe in their own body because of what a man said or did." One is enough to validate this, but I’m sure most of us have more like ten stories. I know I do.

(via yesdarlingido)

jesuschristtheprinceofpeace:

We aren’t to be known by how many bible verses we’ve learnt.

We aren’t to be known by how conferences we attend.

We aren’t to be known by the church we go to or how regularly we go to church.

We aren’t to be known by our theology.

We aren’t to be known by t shirts, bumper stickers and badges.

We aren’t to be known by Facebook statuses, tweets and tumblr posts.

We are to known by how we love one another.

secxndary:

I swear on everything that this isn’t just some stupid contest to gain followers. I’ve been wanting a new camera for ages so now I have two. I was thinking about returning/selling my old one, but I wouldn’t be getting the same amount or more than what it was originally priced. I’ve already talked to my mum about me giving it away, and she doesn’t mind. Anyway, who doesn’t like free stuff?
Here’s how this will work:
You do not have to follow me. I don’t want any followers that don’t actually like my blog. I do ask of you to kindly check out my blog though. If you like it cool, if not, then your loss.
Likes do not count for anything, only reblogs will count. You can reblog this as many times as you’d like.
Do not create any extra blogs or whatever, I will be looking on your archives.
Winner will be chosen like as if it were a raffle drawing.
Winner will be contacted via ask, so make sure that you have that on/open.
This will be over on August 21st 2014, and the winner will be announced on the 22nd.
I am doing this basically to make someone else happy and also because I accidentally deleted the other contest I was doing. Please don’t participate if you already own a Canon, but you can if you’d like I guess. I really don’t care if you live in Hogwarts, anyone is allowed to enter.
Here’s what the winner will get:
Canon EOS 1100D
Camera Cover R-F-3
Battery Charger LC-E10E
EUR AC Cable 1m
Battery pack LP-E10
Battery cover
Interface cable IFC-130U
All the disks needed.
The camera is basically brand new.
If you think this is “stupid” of me to do or anything of that sort, than just ignore it. It’s that simple.
Q. “Why would you just giveaway an expensive camera to a stranger?”
A. TO MAKE THEM HAPPY!
Q. “How do we know you aren’t bullshitting us?”
A. To make a fake contest just for followers is stupid, plus, I have a picture of me holding both the cameras :)
Good luck.

secxndary:

I swear on everything that this isn’t just some stupid contest to gain followers. I’ve been wanting a new camera for ages so now I have two. I was thinking about returning/selling my old one, but I wouldn’t be getting the same amount or more than what it was originally priced. I’ve already talked to my mum about me giving it away, and she doesn’t mind. Anyway, who doesn’t like free stuff?

Here’s how this will work:

  • You do not have to follow me. I don’t want any followers that don’t actually like my blog. I do ask of you to kindly check out my blog though. If you like it cool, if not, then your loss.
  • Likes do not count for anything, only reblogs will count. You can reblog this as many times as you’d like.
  • Do not create any extra blogs or whatever, I will be looking on your archives.
  • Winner will be chosen like as if it were a raffle drawing.
  • Winner will be contacted via ask, so make sure that you have that on/open.
  • This will be over on August 21st 2014, and the winner will be announced on the 22nd.

I am doing this basically to make someone else happy and also because I accidentally deleted the other contest I was doing. Please don’t participate if you already own a Canon, but you can if you’d like I guess. I really don’t care if you live in Hogwarts, anyone is allowed to enter.

Here’s what the winner will get:

  • Canon EOS 1100D
  • Camera Cover R-F-3
  • Battery Charger LC-E10E
  • EUR AC Cable 1m
  • Battery pack LP-E10
  • Battery cover
  • Interface cable IFC-130U
  • All the disks needed.

The camera is basically brand new.

If you think this is “stupid” of me to do or anything of that sort, than just ignore it. It’s that simple.

Q. “Why would you just giveaway an expensive camera to a stranger?”

A. TO MAKE THEM HAPPY!

Q. “How do we know you aren’t bullshitting us?”

A. To make a fake contest just for followers is stupid, plus, I have a picture of me holding both the cameras :)

Good luck.

yourcraysisterinchrist:

Some days its really hard to love yourself.

welooktoyahweh:

I think it’s so important to see past people’s exteriors.

When I was battling depression heavily, I wanted nothing more than to be alone, far away from anything.
I wanted people to stop asking me what was wrong, I wanted them to let me be, to let me wallow and drown in my hopelessness. I didn’t…

Yes.